"Everything affects everything."
I don't know how to begin here. My life motto lately has been "everything happens for a reason." And I find this to be true. But the real question is why? Why do things have to happen the way they do?
I feel as if a lot of things would've been done differently in my life if they would've occurred at different times.
If I wouldn't have moved, I wouldn't have met my best friend. I wouldn't have fallen in love. I wouldn't have been bullied. I wouldn't have been hurt so much by a select few people. I wouldn't have met so many people. I wouldn't have gone to Germany. I wouldn't regret a lot of things.
But it happened. And I can't take that back. So should I be thankful?
I have a few things to say to certain people, but don't feel confident enough to put their names. Sorry.
1. UGH. You are so frustrating and I don't know why I let you control my emotions. But you do. Sometimes I feel so strong and I feel as if I've moved on, but I haven't. I was pretending to be strong. Really, I'm weak. I wish I could let you go, but things are easier said than done. I think you're done with me though. I hate that. I wish things were back like they were before.
2. WE HAVE BAD TIMING. I'm sorry for being a jerk to you. I'm proud of you for joining the Marines and doing something with your life! And I know you're chasing after me, but maybe I want to chase you. Ease up on me a bit. I promise, if you lead I'll follow. And I'm still waiting on all of your promises. I hope things will work out.
3. In the words of Copeland, "just let me run where I want to run, just let me love who I want." Please.
4. Thank you for always being there for me. I don't tell you that enough. I hope we will always remain best friends.
I have a lot of things to say, and a lot on my mind, and a lot that I need to do and I feel OVERWHELMED.
Timing affects everything.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
You Don't Know Me
My name is Stevie.
I am seventeen years old.
I like starfish, sailboats, and seahorses.
I love the way the sunset looks.
I like going to church.
I could spend every waking moment of my day playing my ukulele.
I love Charleston.
I love Folly Beach.
I am 5'3, and have size 5-6 feet.
I'm graduating this year.
I appreciate the simple things.
I don't have many friends.
My favorite bible verse is Psalm 55:22. (LOOK IT UP!)
I like my green eyes.
I know what it feels like to love.
I know what it feels like to hate.
I've been bullied.
I have a respect for musicians, and people with intelligence.
I have problems respecting authority figures.
-And I can thank Airport High School for that.
I love my family, but I never tell them that.
If I die tomorrow, I'd like to know that I've changed one person's life.
I'm a huge movie critic.
I don't know where I want to go to college.
In fact, I don't even know myself.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
I am seventeen years old.
I like starfish, sailboats, and seahorses.
I love the way the sunset looks.
I like going to church.
I could spend every waking moment of my day playing my ukulele.
I love Charleston.
I love Folly Beach.
I am 5'3, and have size 5-6 feet.
I'm graduating this year.
I appreciate the simple things.
I don't have many friends.
My favorite bible verse is Psalm 55:22. (LOOK IT UP!)
I like my green eyes.
I know what it feels like to love.
I know what it feels like to hate.
I've been bullied.
I have a respect for musicians, and people with intelligence.
I have problems respecting authority figures.
-And I can thank Airport High School for that.
I love my family, but I never tell them that.
If I die tomorrow, I'd like to know that I've changed one person's life.
I'm a huge movie critic.
I don't know where I want to go to college.
In fact, I don't even know myself.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Monday, August 30, 2010
Begin, Rant.
Where to start.
Today was my 11th day of school. I am ready to graduate. Most of the time I wish that my mom would've allowed me to have graduated last year. She wanted me to have my "perfect senior year," and I appreciate that. I know that she always says that I should take advantage of the moments that I have left as a kid, because I'll be an adult the rest of my life. But, I kindof wanted a headstart. I am not "miserable" at school. I just think a lot of things could be going better. I do not have friends. Matt sits with me everyday at lunch, and most of the time I think it is out of pity. No one from school ever calls me to grab lunch, or to study together, or to even invite me over on a friday night. I am alone over here. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends, but they don't go to LE. So that's difficult. And it's not like I'm a complete loner. People say hey to me on a daily basis at school. But that's not friendship. They know nothing about me. I wish they did.
PJ. I wrote you a letter in an earlier post. And I meant a lot of it. But, I still have a lot to say to you. I don't have any closure with you/our relationship. I don't think I am over you. I still have feelings for you, well, the person that you used to be. The fun loving/outgoing/romantic PJ. Not the jerk PJ who never called, never calls, never will call. Not the PJ who continues to ignore me. I think about you a lot, PJ. I wish things would just work out. I wish that we were still together. You were/are the most beautiful person to me, inside and out. I still care for you, probably much more than I actually should. I know that you're under a lot of stress right now, with all of your financial/surgery stuff going on. But when was I never there for you, PJ? I was not the girl/still am not the girl that wants to cling onto your leg every second of the day. No. I was caring, and comforting, and kind. I don't know what else to say to you, PJ. I can't make you come back to me, I can't make you want to be my boyfriend again. I can't make you BE a good boyfriend again. I just wish that you could see where I was coming from, and understand me.
Matt. ^As you can see, I am not over PJ. I think we are better off as friends, as we have discussed before. Let's not make this more confusing than it has to be. You mean a lot to me, and know that I am here for you. Always.
I AM STRESSED OUT/OVERWHELMED. Applying to college, taking the ACT, scheduling senior pictures, working (well, hardly working), etc etc ETC.
But, I found a new church that I will become a member of. Northpoint Community Church in Northeast Columbia. I love it.
Rant over.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Today was my 11th day of school. I am ready to graduate. Most of the time I wish that my mom would've allowed me to have graduated last year. She wanted me to have my "perfect senior year," and I appreciate that. I know that she always says that I should take advantage of the moments that I have left as a kid, because I'll be an adult the rest of my life. But, I kindof wanted a headstart. I am not "miserable" at school. I just think a lot of things could be going better. I do not have friends. Matt sits with me everyday at lunch, and most of the time I think it is out of pity. No one from school ever calls me to grab lunch, or to study together, or to even invite me over on a friday night. I am alone over here. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends, but they don't go to LE. So that's difficult. And it's not like I'm a complete loner. People say hey to me on a daily basis at school. But that's not friendship. They know nothing about me. I wish they did.
PJ. I wrote you a letter in an earlier post. And I meant a lot of it. But, I still have a lot to say to you. I don't have any closure with you/our relationship. I don't think I am over you. I still have feelings for you, well, the person that you used to be. The fun loving/outgoing/romantic PJ. Not the jerk PJ who never called, never calls, never will call. Not the PJ who continues to ignore me. I think about you a lot, PJ. I wish things would just work out. I wish that we were still together. You were/are the most beautiful person to me, inside and out. I still care for you, probably much more than I actually should. I know that you're under a lot of stress right now, with all of your financial/surgery stuff going on. But when was I never there for you, PJ? I was not the girl/still am not the girl that wants to cling onto your leg every second of the day. No. I was caring, and comforting, and kind. I don't know what else to say to you, PJ. I can't make you come back to me, I can't make you want to be my boyfriend again. I can't make you BE a good boyfriend again. I just wish that you could see where I was coming from, and understand me.
Matt. ^As you can see, I am not over PJ. I think we are better off as friends, as we have discussed before. Let's not make this more confusing than it has to be. You mean a lot to me, and know that I am here for you. Always.
I AM STRESSED OUT/OVERWHELMED. Applying to college, taking the ACT, scheduling senior pictures, working (well, hardly working), etc etc ETC.
But, I found a new church that I will become a member of. Northpoint Community Church in Northeast Columbia. I love it.
Rant over.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Monday, August 16, 2010
I'll Never Lose My Faith
Just yesterday I was wearing a pink frilly dress to Kindergarten and fighting my mom about bathtime... Now I'm a senior. Today was the first day of school. Lugoff-Elgin is different than I expected it to be. Today was not the greatest day, but thankfully I had a few people to help me along the way. Thank you, Matthew Wiesen, for walking me to class. You make me very happy sir and I'm really excited with where things are headed between us.
"You're pretty, you have gorgeous eyes, I think it's incredible that you used to do guard, you have a great sense of humor, you're not the typical girl or at least not to me, you're intelligent, you know how to make me smile, you give great hugs, you sing amazingly, it's amazing you can play ukulele, you still believe in romanticism and I find that attractive. You have an incredible taste in music, you're adventurous and I love that. I love your sarcasm, I feel as if I could talk to you about anything, I love your openness. I can have a conversation about anything with you, and I like the way your hair smelt (from the shooting stars). I think it's cute when you laugh how bad my German is. You're an incredibly cute person with a cute personality, and I like you. And I like that you're into theatre and that one of our favorite colors is green."
I feel like a lot of things in my life are finally falling into place. This is going to be good.
John 3:16. It has helped me a lot recently.
I've been thinking a lot. My walk with Christ is NOT where it needs to be. I need to devote myself. To just take time out of my day to be still and just talk to him. I have a lot of stuff I need to pray about. I know He'll help me out of this. He always does. Pray for me.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
"You're pretty, you have gorgeous eyes, I think it's incredible that you used to do guard, you have a great sense of humor, you're not the typical girl or at least not to me, you're intelligent, you know how to make me smile, you give great hugs, you sing amazingly, it's amazing you can play ukulele, you still believe in romanticism and I find that attractive. You have an incredible taste in music, you're adventurous and I love that. I love your sarcasm, I feel as if I could talk to you about anything, I love your openness. I can have a conversation about anything with you, and I like the way your hair smelt (from the shooting stars). I think it's cute when you laugh how bad my German is. You're an incredibly cute person with a cute personality, and I like you. And I like that you're into theatre and that one of our favorite colors is green."
I feel like a lot of things in my life are finally falling into place. This is going to be good.
John 3:16. It has helped me a lot recently.
I've been thinking a lot. My walk with Christ is NOT where it needs to be. I need to devote myself. To just take time out of my day to be still and just talk to him. I have a lot of stuff I need to pray about. I know He'll help me out of this. He always does. Pray for me.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Monday, August 9, 2010
Letters
I have a few things I have to get off of my chest.
Dear __,
First of all, let me say how much you have changed my life. I haven't figured out if it is for the good or the bad yet. Probably the bad. But, thanks for being the first guy to take me on dates, instead of "chilling" or "hanging out." That meant so much to me. You were everything that I was looking for. You were attractive, but that wasn't what I noticed about you first. You had the warmest heart. You were so caring, so kind. You were creative. You were romantic. Thank you for that. I hardly see romance "alive" anymore. You did the cutest things to make me happy. You gave the best hugs. You had the greatest sense of sarcasm, and I loved how we could joke around with each other. We were perfect together. But then things changed. I guess me being there for you when you had cancer wasn't enough. YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL. I hardly slept thinking about how you were doing all the time. I was worried, constantly. And you barely took two seconds to tell me "hey, I'm busy, call you later." But that shortly stopped. You came back, and you were DIFFERENT. I wanted you to be the same person that I had shared so many great moments with. And not that cheesy junk either. Legitimate. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! Why did you come back and ignore me, constantly? What kind of boyfriend is that? I didn't do anything wrong to you. YOU MADE ME SO ANGRY. I still have so much anger built up towards you. I forgave you. But I will NEVER forget what you put me through. And yet, I am still trying to start over with you. But you won't give me the time of day. Maybe one day it'll hit you, how good you had it. I don't mean to pat myself on my back, but how many girls would honestly stick with you when you were fighting cancer? Yeah. I'm the only one that I know about, too. I wish things had never happened like this. You ruined my family's trust, and mine. I wish you were the same as before. Why did you have to go and change? And not for the better either. I'm tired of letting you control my feelings, and my life. YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE. I can't allow it. Maybe, oneday, we can be friends. Yes, I'll miss being your girlfriend. And yes, I'll miss kisses and hugs and holding hands, and being romantic. But I know that I DESERVE BETTER than how you've treated me. I hope and pray that you will realize that.
Dear _________,
You are the strongest person that I have ever met. And I am so glad that we have become the best of friends. I know that you've gone through a lot, and I'm no psychologist, but YOU WILL BE OKAY! I promise. I'm always here. Remember? Your little anchor. And trust me, you'll find someone who you can be yourself around one day. NEVER let anyone make you feel smaller in your skin. You are BEAUTIFUL. And, pretty hilarious if I do say so myself. Be brave. You teach me to be like that everyday.
Dear ____,
I write you letters. Almost on a daily basis. But I never send most of them. Only a few. The rest I rip up and throw away. I miss you. You make me feel so gorgeous. Remember that time that we danced down Main Street? Even though you "don't dance." I loved it. I'm writing you a song. The first line is, "I know I'm not the girl with the last name Moon, but I could still show you the world or two.." You should understand. I feel like I'm constantly chasing after you, and I don't like that. Let's go on our date soon. I hope New York is as beautiful as you make it seem. I'll be visiting soon.
Dear ___,
I'm sorry that I put you in predicaments. I can't help how I feel though. YOU HURT ME so much last Summer. How could I ever allow you to do that again? You can't play with my feelings anymore. I won't be able to handle it. Don't tell me that you "like me" but you just "don't know." That's stupid. I can see where you don't want to be in a relationship. I don't really want to either. BUT DON'T PLAY ME. I'm no idiot. Yeah, maybe one day things will be different. But for now, please don't make this more confusing than it is. It's been wonderful seeing you again.
Dear __,
YOU WILL BE OKAY. Breathe. Your life shouldn't be halfway affected as it has been by the people who are in it. People come, people go. So be it. DO NOT CHASE AFTER ANYONE, EVER. It isn't worth it. One day, you'll find someone who will love you, and chase after YOU, and write you silly notes on sticky notes, and leave flowers on your windowsill. You will be successful. And you will be happy! I'll make sure of it.
Hopelessly,
Stevie.
Dear __,
First of all, let me say how much you have changed my life. I haven't figured out if it is for the good or the bad yet. Probably the bad. But, thanks for being the first guy to take me on dates, instead of "chilling" or "hanging out." That meant so much to me. You were everything that I was looking for. You were attractive, but that wasn't what I noticed about you first. You had the warmest heart. You were so caring, so kind. You were creative. You were romantic. Thank you for that. I hardly see romance "alive" anymore. You did the cutest things to make me happy. You gave the best hugs. You had the greatest sense of sarcasm, and I loved how we could joke around with each other. We were perfect together. But then things changed. I guess me being there for you when you had cancer wasn't enough. YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL. I hardly slept thinking about how you were doing all the time. I was worried, constantly. And you barely took two seconds to tell me "hey, I'm busy, call you later." But that shortly stopped. You came back, and you were DIFFERENT. I wanted you to be the same person that I had shared so many great moments with. And not that cheesy junk either. Legitimate. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! Why did you come back and ignore me, constantly? What kind of boyfriend is that? I didn't do anything wrong to you. YOU MADE ME SO ANGRY. I still have so much anger built up towards you. I forgave you. But I will NEVER forget what you put me through. And yet, I am still trying to start over with you. But you won't give me the time of day. Maybe one day it'll hit you, how good you had it. I don't mean to pat myself on my back, but how many girls would honestly stick with you when you were fighting cancer? Yeah. I'm the only one that I know about, too. I wish things had never happened like this. You ruined my family's trust, and mine. I wish you were the same as before. Why did you have to go and change? And not for the better either. I'm tired of letting you control my feelings, and my life. YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE. I can't allow it. Maybe, oneday, we can be friends. Yes, I'll miss being your girlfriend. And yes, I'll miss kisses and hugs and holding hands, and being romantic. But I know that I DESERVE BETTER than how you've treated me. I hope and pray that you will realize that.
Dear _________,
You are the strongest person that I have ever met. And I am so glad that we have become the best of friends. I know that you've gone through a lot, and I'm no psychologist, but YOU WILL BE OKAY! I promise. I'm always here. Remember? Your little anchor. And trust me, you'll find someone who you can be yourself around one day. NEVER let anyone make you feel smaller in your skin. You are BEAUTIFUL. And, pretty hilarious if I do say so myself. Be brave. You teach me to be like that everyday.
Dear ____,
I write you letters. Almost on a daily basis. But I never send most of them. Only a few. The rest I rip up and throw away. I miss you. You make me feel so gorgeous. Remember that time that we danced down Main Street? Even though you "don't dance." I loved it. I'm writing you a song. The first line is, "I know I'm not the girl with the last name Moon, but I could still show you the world or two.." You should understand. I feel like I'm constantly chasing after you, and I don't like that. Let's go on our date soon. I hope New York is as beautiful as you make it seem. I'll be visiting soon.
Dear ___,
I'm sorry that I put you in predicaments. I can't help how I feel though. YOU HURT ME so much last Summer. How could I ever allow you to do that again? You can't play with my feelings anymore. I won't be able to handle it. Don't tell me that you "like me" but you just "don't know." That's stupid. I can see where you don't want to be in a relationship. I don't really want to either. BUT DON'T PLAY ME. I'm no idiot. Yeah, maybe one day things will be different. But for now, please don't make this more confusing than it is. It's been wonderful seeing you again.
Dear __,
YOU WILL BE OKAY. Breathe. Your life shouldn't be halfway affected as it has been by the people who are in it. People come, people go. So be it. DO NOT CHASE AFTER ANYONE, EVER. It isn't worth it. One day, you'll find someone who will love you, and chase after YOU, and write you silly notes on sticky notes, and leave flowers on your windowsill. You will be successful. And you will be happy! I'll make sure of it.
Hopelessly,
Stevie.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
"All the world's a stage, and we are merely players."
It's 10:30 and I can't sleep. Kindof have something on my chest, but not sure how to express it. Not like that'll do me good anyways. My stepdad is snoring on the couch and our power just flickered on and off; thank you powersurge chord.
Lately I've been thinking too much about my future, and I ask myself the same question everyday. "What am I going to do with my life?" Not what I want to do, not what is realistic, but what am I going to do? And honestly, I don't know. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm about to start my senior year in high school, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm about to start applying to colleges, and I don't know what I'm going to do. That's terrible. Shouldn't I know by now? I mean, I have options, of course. I could easily pursue theater; my real love in life. I love being on stage, the sense of performance. I feel at home on stage. And I'm just as easily okay with being behind the scenes. Managing a production. But theater isn't a realistic goal. Really, what would I do with that degree? Teach it, surely. But that wouldn't make me happy. And then I thought about business. I've always wanted to own my own coffee shop. But god, that's so expensive. I'll be doing well if I can pay off student loans. I'm not okay with living in debt for forever. But, owning my own coffee shop/restaurant would make me happy. I would look forward to working everyday. And then sometimes I think I would just like to couchsurf my days away. Maybe follow a band, document their trip and successes. Live on the road. Get paid enough just to eat and live off of. And I love that idea. But what would I go to school for? It would all be a waste. And what would happen if I ever wanted to start a family? I can't raise a child on a tour bus.
But I guess everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes we're confused about why, when, or how it happens. But it does, it always will.
I'm not going to say that I don't want a fairytale life, but maybe my fairytale is just a tad different than the rest of the world.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Lately I've been thinking too much about my future, and I ask myself the same question everyday. "What am I going to do with my life?" Not what I want to do, not what is realistic, but what am I going to do? And honestly, I don't know. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm about to start my senior year in high school, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm about to start applying to colleges, and I don't know what I'm going to do. That's terrible. Shouldn't I know by now? I mean, I have options, of course. I could easily pursue theater; my real love in life. I love being on stage, the sense of performance. I feel at home on stage. And I'm just as easily okay with being behind the scenes. Managing a production. But theater isn't a realistic goal. Really, what would I do with that degree? Teach it, surely. But that wouldn't make me happy. And then I thought about business. I've always wanted to own my own coffee shop. But god, that's so expensive. I'll be doing well if I can pay off student loans. I'm not okay with living in debt for forever. But, owning my own coffee shop/restaurant would make me happy. I would look forward to working everyday. And then sometimes I think I would just like to couchsurf my days away. Maybe follow a band, document their trip and successes. Live on the road. Get paid enough just to eat and live off of. And I love that idea. But what would I go to school for? It would all be a waste. And what would happen if I ever wanted to start a family? I can't raise a child on a tour bus.
But I guess everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes we're confused about why, when, or how it happens. But it does, it always will.
I'm not going to say that I don't want a fairytale life, but maybe my fairytale is just a tad different than the rest of the world.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
Slack, Really.
Well, first of all let me apologize for being so slack. I never have the time anymore to get on here and let you in on my life. But, I can try to recap the past few months.
June 11 I left for Germany. I've decided to go back again, next summer. It was truly a life changing experience, and I will never forget it. I came back home July 3, only to be relocated to a new house in Lugoff. It's not too bad, we actually have lived in this house before; I grew up in Lugoff. But it'll be hard trying to transition into a new school my senior year. SPEAKING OF WHICH; holy crap! I'm a senior. I've been trying to get stuff done for school, register for college courses, get senior pictures taken care of, etc etc. Summer is not supposed to be this hectic.
I also have to find a job, soon. Meh.
Hopefully, I'll be able to adjust soon. I'll keep you updated.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
June 11 I left for Germany. I've decided to go back again, next summer. It was truly a life changing experience, and I will never forget it. I came back home July 3, only to be relocated to a new house in Lugoff. It's not too bad, we actually have lived in this house before; I grew up in Lugoff. But it'll be hard trying to transition into a new school my senior year. SPEAKING OF WHICH; holy crap! I'm a senior. I've been trying to get stuff done for school, register for college courses, get senior pictures taken care of, etc etc. Summer is not supposed to be this hectic.
I also have to find a job, soon. Meh.
Hopefully, I'll be able to adjust soon. I'll keep you updated.
Hopelessly,
Stevie
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