Begin, Rant.

Where to start.

Today was my 11th day of school. I am ready to graduate. Most of the time I wish that my mom would've allowed me to have graduated last year. She wanted me to have my "perfect senior year," and I appreciate that. I know that she always says that I should take advantage of the moments that I have left as a kid, because I'll be an adult the rest of my life. But, I kindof wanted a headstart. I am not "miserable" at school. I just think a lot of things could be going better. I do not have friends. Matt sits with me everyday at lunch, and most of the time I think it is out of pity. No one from school ever calls me to grab lunch, or to study together, or to even invite me over on a friday night. I am alone over here. Don't get me wrong, I do have best friends, but they don't go to LE. So that's difficult. And it's not like I'm a complete loner. People say hey to me on a daily basis at school. But that's not friendship. They know nothing about me. I wish they did.

PJ. I wrote you a letter in an earlier post. And I meant a lot of it. But, I still have a lot to say to you. I don't have any closure with you/our relationship. I don't think I am over you. I still have feelings for you, well, the person that you used to be. The fun loving/outgoing/romantic PJ. Not the jerk PJ who never called, never calls, never will call. Not the PJ who continues to ignore me. I think about you a lot, PJ. I wish things would just work out. I wish that we were still together. You were/are the most beautiful person to me, inside and out. I still care for you, probably much more than I actually should. I know that you're under a lot of stress right now, with all of your financial/surgery stuff going on. But when was I never there for you, PJ? I was not the girl/still am not the girl that wants to cling onto your leg every second of the day. No. I was caring, and comforting, and kind. I don't know what else to say to you, PJ. I can't make you come back to me, I can't make you want to be my boyfriend again. I can't make you BE a good boyfriend again. I just wish that you could see where I was coming from, and understand me.

Matt. ^As you can see, I am not over PJ. I think we are better off as friends, as we have discussed before. Let's not make this more confusing than it has to be. You mean a lot to me, and know that I am here for you. Always.


I AM STRESSED OUT/OVERWHELMED. Applying to college, taking the ACT, scheduling senior pictures, working (well, hardly working), etc etc ETC.
But, I found a new church that I will become a member of. Northpoint Community Church in Northeast Columbia. I love it.



Rant over.

Hopelessly,
Stevie

I'll Never Lose My Faith

Just yesterday I was wearing a pink frilly dress to Kindergarten and fighting my mom about bathtime... Now I'm a senior. Today was the first day of school. Lugoff-Elgin is different than I expected it to be. Today was not the greatest day, but thankfully I had a few people to help me along the way. Thank you, Matthew Wiesen, for walking me to class. You make me very happy sir and I'm really excited with where things are headed between us.

"You're pretty, you have gorgeous eyes, I think it's incredible that you used to do guard, you have a great sense of humor, you're not the typical girl or at least not to me, you're intelligent, you know how to make me smile, you give great hugs, you sing amazingly, it's amazing you can play ukulele, you still believe in romanticism and I find that attractive. You have an incredible taste in music, you're adventurous and I love that. I love your sarcasm, I feel as if I could talk to you about anything, I love your openness. I can have a conversation about anything with you, and I like the way your hair smelt (from the shooting stars). I think it's cute when you laugh how bad my German is. You're an incredibly cute person with a cute personality, and I like you. And I like that you're into theatre and that one of our favorite colors is green."

I feel like a lot of things in my life are finally falling into place. This is going to be good.
John 3:16. It has helped me a lot recently.

I've been thinking a lot. My walk with Christ is NOT where it needs to be. I need to devote myself. To just take time out of my day to be still and just talk to him. I have a lot of stuff I need to pray about. I know He'll help me out of this. He always does. Pray for me.


Hopelessly,
Stevie

Letters

I have a few things I have to get off of my chest.




Dear __,
First of all, let me say how much you have changed my life. I haven't figured out if it is for the good or the bad yet. Probably the bad. But, thanks for being the first guy to take me on dates, instead of "chilling" or "hanging out." That meant so much to me. You were everything that I was looking for. You were attractive, but that wasn't what I noticed about you first. You had the warmest heart. You were so caring, so kind. You were creative. You were romantic. Thank you for that. I hardly see romance "alive" anymore. You did the cutest things to make me happy. You gave the best hugs. You had the greatest sense of sarcasm, and I loved how we could joke around with each other. We were perfect together. But then things changed. I guess me being there for you when you had cancer wasn't enough. YOU PUT ME THROUGH HELL. I hardly slept thinking about how you were doing all the time. I was worried, constantly. And you barely took two seconds to tell me "hey, I'm busy, call you later." But that shortly stopped. You came back, and you were DIFFERENT. I wanted you to be the same person that I had shared so many great moments with. And not that cheesy junk either. Legitimate. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! Why did you come back and ignore me, constantly? What kind of boyfriend is that? I didn't do anything wrong to you. YOU MADE ME SO ANGRY. I still have so much anger built up towards you. I forgave you. But I will NEVER forget what you put me through. And yet, I am still trying to start over with you. But you won't give me the time of day. Maybe one day it'll hit you, how good you had it. I don't mean to pat myself on my back, but how many girls would honestly stick with you when you were fighting cancer? Yeah. I'm the only one that I know about, too. I wish things had never happened like this. You ruined my family's trust, and mine. I wish you were the same as before. Why did you have to go and change? And not for the better either. I'm tired of letting you control my feelings, and my life. YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME ANYMORE. I can't allow it. Maybe, oneday, we can be friends. Yes, I'll miss being your girlfriend. And yes, I'll miss kisses and hugs and holding hands, and being romantic. But I know that I DESERVE BETTER than how you've treated me. I hope and pray that you will realize that.

Dear _________,
You are the strongest person that I have ever met. And I am so glad that we have become the best of friends. I know that you've gone through a lot, and I'm no psychologist, but YOU WILL BE OKAY! I promise. I'm always here. Remember? Your little anchor. And trust me, you'll find someone who you can be yourself around one day. NEVER let anyone make you feel smaller in your skin. You are BEAUTIFUL. And, pretty hilarious if I do say so myself. Be brave. You teach me to be like that everyday.

Dear ____,
I write you letters. Almost on a daily basis. But I never send most of them. Only a few. The rest I rip up and throw away. I miss you. You make me feel so gorgeous. Remember that time that we danced down Main Street? Even though you "don't dance." I loved it. I'm writing you a song. The first line is, "I know I'm not the girl with the last name Moon, but I could still show you the world or two.." You should understand. I feel like I'm constantly chasing after you, and I don't like that. Let's go on our date soon. I hope New York is as beautiful as you make it seem. I'll be visiting soon.

Dear ___,
I'm sorry that I put you in predicaments. I can't help how I feel though. YOU HURT ME so much last Summer. How could I ever allow you to do that again? You can't play with my feelings anymore. I won't be able to handle it. Don't tell me that you "like me" but you just "don't know." That's stupid. I can see where you don't want to be in a relationship. I don't really want to either. BUT DON'T PLAY ME. I'm no idiot. Yeah, maybe one day things will be different. But for now, please don't make this more confusing than it is. It's been wonderful seeing you again.

Dear __,
YOU WILL BE OKAY. Breathe. Your life shouldn't be halfway affected as it has been by the people who are in it. People come, people go. So be it. DO NOT CHASE AFTER ANYONE, EVER. It isn't worth it. One day, you'll find someone who will love you, and chase after YOU, and write you silly notes on sticky notes, and leave flowers on your windowsill. You will be successful. And you will be happy! I'll make sure of it.




Hopelessly,
Stevie.

"All the world's a stage, and we are merely players."

It's 10:30 and I can't sleep. Kindof have something on my chest, but not sure how to express it. Not like that'll do me good anyways. My stepdad is snoring on the couch and our power just flickered on and off; thank you powersurge chord.
Lately I've been thinking too much about my future, and I ask myself the same question everyday. "What am I going to do with my life?" Not what I want to do, not what is realistic, but what am I going to do? And honestly, I don't know. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm about to start my senior year in high school, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm about to start applying to colleges, and I don't know what I'm going to do. That's terrible. Shouldn't I know by now? I mean, I have options, of course. I could easily pursue theater; my real love in life. I love being on stage, the sense of performance. I feel at home on stage. And I'm just as easily okay with being behind the scenes. Managing a production. But theater isn't a realistic goal. Really, what would I do with that degree? Teach it, surely. But that wouldn't make me happy. And then I thought about business. I've always wanted to own my own coffee shop. But god, that's so expensive. I'll be doing well if I can pay off student loans. I'm not okay with living in debt for forever. But, owning my own coffee shop/restaurant would make me happy. I would look forward to working everyday. And then sometimes I think I would just like to couchsurf my days away. Maybe follow a band, document their trip and successes. Live on the road. Get paid enough just to eat and live off of. And I love that idea. But what would I go to school for? It would all be a waste. And what would happen if I ever wanted to start a family? I can't raise a child on a tour bus.
But I guess everything in life happens for a reason. Sometimes we're confused about why, when, or how it happens. But it does, it always will.

I'm not going to say that I don't want a fairytale life, but maybe my fairytale is just a tad different than the rest of the world.



Hopelessly,
Stevie

Slack, Really.

Well, first of all let me apologize for being so slack. I never have the time anymore to get on here and let you in on my life. But, I can try to recap the past few months.

June 11 I left for Germany. I've decided to go back again, next summer. It was truly a life changing experience, and I will never forget it. I came back home July 3, only to be relocated to a new house in Lugoff. It's not too bad, we actually have lived in this house before; I grew up in Lugoff. But it'll be hard trying to transition into a new school my senior year. SPEAKING OF WHICH; holy crap! I'm a senior. I've been trying to get stuff done for school, register for college courses, get senior pictures taken care of, etc etc. Summer is not supposed to be this hectic.

I also have to find a job, soon. Meh.


Hopefully, I'll be able to adjust soon. I'll keep you updated.


Hopelessly,
Stevie

Definitely Not A Dream, And I'm Really Here

My goodness, it's been almost a month since I've been on here.
And my, how times have changed.



So that I will never forget:

March 14: "You make me so happy everytime you come out and tell me what you're feeling inside because it would suck to not be as important to you as you are to me, and those texts let me know that i am. Today is our one month and I'm so stoked about it. There's noone else i'd rather be with today than you, but we've come across a road block and we have to deal with it. But i promise you we have a whole future together, and this time apart is going to be nothing compared to the time we spend together. Just wait. :)"

March 20: "Well I know you love me a lot so damn girl, how much do you love me?"
"I love you too babe. More than you know." 'Oh yeah, how much?' "How far does the universe go?"

March 29: "I love you so much babe. You have no idea."
"I still have like a few minutes before I get knocked out. But I promised you I would at least text you. You are amazing."
"I know you do babe. I love you too."
"Any minute now. Literally it should be like now."
"I'm so happy babe."

March 30: "I'm good baby girl!"

April 4: "I love you too baby girl! You are so awesome. I really miss you. A ton. You have no idea how much I've been thinking about you."

April 7: "I love you too babe. So much."
"Oh. I don't see how that's possible. I'm going to be cancer free soon, this is a good thing to me."

April 10: "I love you too babe."
"Goodnight babe. I love you a ton."

April 14: "Good morning babe. I just wanted to tell you that I loved you and that I hope you have a great day."
"Happy two months for sure. I love you so much babe :)"

April 15: "Babe. You're too awesome."
"Because you're just amazing. Seriously. No other girl would wait for me to finish everything with this cancer nonsense. Especially this early in a relationship. We've actually been apart longer than we've been together. That's nuts."

April 25: "I'll see you soon though babe, so don't worry about it."
"I pinky promise. Sooner than you think."
"Yeah. I have that affect on people :) I love you too babe. You just don't know."
"Na. Definitely not a dream and I'm really here."



They're all but memories, now.


Hopelessly,
Stevie

That's How God's Work Goes

I was given the task of writing a 3 to 5 minute monologue for a state theater competition, which we are no longer going to, but nonetheless, I had to perform it in class, and made some people cry.
I wrote it about PJ, well, a fictional PJ. Based on him. And a fictional me. So, here it is. Hope you like it.


"I knew all about how the peaches grew, and that's when I grew, too.
Born and raised in a Southern haze.
Exposed to those that didn't know about the knowings everyone else knew.
But I guess it would've been hard for them, too.

It took me awhile to figure out life.
It took me walking across the Gervais bridge, to a life I never thought I'd know. But I guess that's how God's work goes.

And is it ironic how he sent me to you?
I guess he knew what you were going through.
You were my angel, too.

But I hated how you grew up, pure luck.
With a skyline view.
I bet the city is nice at night.
It's good comfort when you're all alone, not in a good home.

Two blocks too many to break into, lay on your back in a pool, if you wanted to.
But I guess that's city living, and that's how God's work goes.

And does God create coincidences too?
Just happened to have me run into you?
I guess I'd have to blame it on the city.
And me being pretty.
And you being witty.
Big headed? Hardly.

And does God create paths in our lives?
If so, I don't think we went the way we were supposed to go.

You had to leave.

So there was me.
Walking in the city alone. Unknown.
My heartbeat matching every step I took.
And just one wrong look, was all it took.
Sending me spiraling into a phase of emotional rage.

Then the world grew quiet.
If only for a little while.
And I kept seeing you with an outstretched hand.
You were always the better man.

You were strong, too.
Fought harder than anyone else.
And I knew that your hospital bed was cold.
But your heart wasn't.
I knew.

I knew because you told me, too.
How long your days were.
You've never spent them alone before, without me.

It's gotta be a hard transition.
I miss you, too.

Funny how it works.
How God works.
Throwing obstacles into our lives, a million times over again.
But it's for the best, in the end.

Or at least that's what I told myself.
Still looked at your picture on the shelf, everyday.
Cause it must've been God's way.

He threw you into my life, out of spite?
No.
A blessing to show.

And you're the only love that I've ever known.
But I guess that's how God's work goes.

You finally came home again.
And I was the happiest that I had ever been.
You and your outstretched hand.

Both of us walking towards the city.
Remembering the world as it used to be.
Warm summers and cute restaurants.
Running and laughter and wonderful thoughts.

And each other.

That's how I always remembered you."